Alone in Africa

Coming to Africa has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I was so happy to finally be finished with school and focus on a greater objective. I was probably more excited about flying to Africa than I've ever been for flying anywhere. For those that don't know, I'm not crazy about flying and breathing recycled air. However, I anxiously awaited seeing the staff of Onesimus and the kids that are a part of it for the first time in around six months. It is hard to believe that a kid can have that much of an impact on me after being with them for only a week in June, however, there is something different about these kids. They love spending time with you and are not distracted by the things of the western world (iPods, facebook, cell phones, etc..). So time is all they have; and they love giving it to you.

We were able to spoil Nega and his wife a little and focus on a few aspects of the ministry. One, we loved on the kids, which was the most important for me. Two, we were able to work with the kids with some sports clinics and give them a little exercise in the process. Three, we took in a few football matches and got to see their competitive spirit come out. Four, we got to see go see a few beneficiaries of the Income Generation Activity and how Onesimus, with the Lord's hand, has helped sustain the families and provide food and shelter for them (Mrs. McGoo can explain more about this project in another blog). So overall, it has been a busy, fruitful, and worthwhile trip so far to see all that the Lord is doing in and out of this wonderful organization and city.

However, I must admit, these past few days have been difficult for me. I put Mrs. McGoo back on a plane to the US on Christmas night and immediately felt alone and attacked. Around that time at night is about the time in the US where people made their way to facebook and began bragging and celebrating all the wonderful gifts they received Christmas morning. It was tough to see and read. While I love that so many people were made happy on this day, Satan began attacking me in a way that I wasn't prepared for. Here I sat in a room with a bed, window, and desk, while my wife went back to the US and all I read where people shouting for joy for the material gifts they received and how they were with their families. Satan hit me like a Mack truck. He kept telling me that I was all alone, no one cared, and there was not anything I could do about it. So I spent most of the night and day worrying about where my wife was (internet is very spotty here so flight tracking is impossible), if she was safe in Istanbul, if the weather allowed her to arrive safely in Chicago and so on. Literally these thoughts have eaten me up inside for the past two days. I kept thinking, why am I here in the mission field feeling so alone and suffering when no one back home cares?

This morning I spent some time in conversation with God. I finished the book "Crazy Love" and began reading Tim Keller's wonderful book "The Reason for God." In the second chapter, he tackles the question, 'How Could a Good God Allow Suffering.' Keller says, "In Jesus Christ, God experienced the greatest depths of pain. Therefore, though Christianity does not provide the reason for each experience of pain, it provides deep resources for actually facing suffering with hope and courage rather than bitterness and despair." I began to think, ok, so how does this apply to me? I've been praying for you Lord to show me I'm not alone in this - that what I'm doing here is worthwhile and for the betterment of Christianity. Later in the chapter Keller writes, "On the cross Jesus's cry of dereliction - MY GOD, MY GOD, why have you forsaken me? - is a deeply relational statement. Jesus did not die renouncing God. Even in the inferno of abandonment he did not surrender his faith in God by expressed his anguished prayer in a cry of affirmation, 'MY GOD, MY GOD.'"

I sat on those words for a good bit of time this morning. Even while Satan was attacking and in my loneliness, I was still crying out for the Lord for something. While I'm certainly not putting my small insignificant bit of boredom up with my Saviors sacrifice, it did resonate something in me. I haven't lost my faith, far from it, but I felt in some small way, I wanted to know or have some assurance that what I have doing mattered - that God understood my suffering - because Satan was telling me otherwise. Keller goes on by saying, "Christianity alone among the world religions claims that God became uniquely and fully human in Jesus Christ and therefore knows firsthand despair, rejection, loneliness, poverty, bereavement, torture, and imprisonment...in his death, God suffers in love, identifying with the abandoned and godforsaken."

Keller's words were perfect for me this morning. Godly perfect. Who of all people would know abandonment more than Jesus? Finally, Keller went on to say, "We also need hope that our suffering is 'not in vain'...For one who suffers, the Christian faith provides as a resource not just in its teaching on the Cross but also the fact of the resurrection...we can know that God is truly Immanuel - God with us - even in our worst sufferings."

Have you ever heard someone say, "God spoke to me" and meant it?

This morning, God spoke to me.