When I was a kid one of my favorite things to do was to go to the movies with my grandparents. I remember one time my grandparents (fathers side) took my brother and I to the Southbrook Mall in Whitehaven, Tn and we not only watched the "Cannonball Run" at the theater, but we also bought ninja throwing stars to take back home with us and destroy my bedroom wall in our house (we'll save that story for another day). I also remember my grandfather (mom's side) taking us to the movies to see "The Lone Ranger" and showing up to the movies early so I could meet the REAL Lone Ranger and his trusty horse "Silver." The Lone Ranger signed an autograph for me and gave me a real silver bullet as a souvenir (This would obviously not go over well in today's politically correct world).
Additionally, I spent a lot of time in high school watching movies. I worked at Blockbuster for about a year so I always got free movies to watch and, in some instances, was actually given surplus movies to take home and watch and review. Most of those movies were ones that no one would actually want to rent without a "Blockbuster Employee Approval" stamp next to it. Everyone has seen "Forrest Gump" right? Well these movies would be the equivalent of "Forrest Gump 5 - Forrest Wheelchairs America." So you can see, they were not the greatest of quality movies.
There are a couple of things one can take from this...I'm old and I love my movies. That being said, I've been very fortunate to have acquired over the years a large volume of movies. Most of my movies were acquired in my single days when I didn't have a wife to keep me from blowing all my savings on DVD's. This is one of the reasons I tell my single friends to enjoy being single...because you lose movie watching and buying privileges. In all actuality, my wife doesn't have a problem with me watching movies...she's just not wanting me to pay the money it costs to watch them. Movies have gotten really expensive these days and she knows I'll blow through some funds really quick. Not to mention she's my sugar momma while I go back to school so I'm on a strict allowance. (Just wait...when I get out and start making money I'm buying all the movies I want*)
Anyway, about 5 or so years ago I began to realize that whenever I saw a crummy movie, I'd just take the time to get a nap in the theater. I'm sure there are people that have fallen asleep in movies before, but I took it to an art. We're not talking about your normal nodding off or closing of the eyes kind of sleeping. We're talking about completely being oblivious to the comings and goings of all movie watchers and when the movie lets out.
Here are two examples of my sleeping "in" movies.
1. A group of my friends and I decide to go out for dinner and a movie. We head to see the movie "The Forgotten" at our local cinema. I'm not really crazy about going to see the movie, but as a single guy, you don't want to sit home by yourself and not doing anything. So I reluctantly go to dinner and the movie. Dinner was great, but once we got to the movie and started watching, I knew it was going to be horrible. After giving the movie 20 mins or so to develop and see how bad it would be, I gave up and fell asleep. What is memorable about the movie is the way that my friend Steve woke me up. Midway through my night of rest and relaxation there was a scene in the movie where a car gets "T-boned" from another car. Normally this wouldn't be that big of a deal to the normal person, but Steve has the nerves of a chick in a horror movie. When the car hit the other car, Steve screamed like a 13 year old girl and in the process, smacked me in the face and thus scaring the snot out of me. Seriously, I thought the rapture was coming and am thankful that I took the time to use the bathroom before the movie. Needless to say, I wanted to forget "The Forgotten."
2. Similar situation as before...This time we went to see the movie "The Upside of Anger." I'm not sure how many people went with us to the movie, but I do know that one of my friends Candace, who was a singer at our church, invited a couple of her musician friends to join us. There were not many people in the movies that night and I can tell you why. The movie was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. First of all, it had Kevin Costner in it and that should have been my first warning sign. Here's a rule...if a movie has Costner in it and it's not a sports movie, don't watch it, it will be garbage. Secondly, the movie received horrible reviews and thus that, in most cases, can be a precursor to a bad movie. So, I gave my normal 20 min glance to make sure that it was going to be what I thought it would be and then I decided to sleep. This wasn't your normal "I'm going to close my eyes and hopefully I don't snore sleep." No, this was "Wow, there really is no one here and there are 4 seats next to me, I think I'm going to lay down." Laying down is exactly what I did. I unfolded four chairs and took a hour and a half nap. It was glorious. Some of the best sleep I'd gotten in a long time. I would have slept longer if it wasn't for Candace poking me with her crooked finger and telling me that they were leaving. The lights were up and people were cleaning up around me, so I thought it was probably a good time to get up and head home. I remember one of the musicians looking a me and saying, "Do you realize you just wasted $7?" To which I replied, "No, YOU wasted $7 watching that garbage of a movie! I grabbed a hold of my money and made it into a quality hour and a half of sleep." Some of the best money I've ever spent.
All of this past knowledge and experience led me to create my own movie rating system. My system is based on whether or not I should keep my eyes open for a movie. I kind of feel like this is something that the world is in need of. Seriously though, who has a rating system like mine? It's like a star rating, but minus the stars. Remember in elementary school when you would get stars for conduct? Yeah, so if you weren't good, you didn't get a star. So applied to movies, who wants to give a star for a movie that is not very good?!?!
Basically my rating system breaks down like this:
- Eyes Wide Shut - This is named after the Stanley Kubrick movie. I think it represents this system perfectly. This type of movie is unwatchable and you might as well sleep through it. This has also been called "Two Eyelids Closed." Good examples of these movies were listed above as well as "The Notebook", "Mixed Nuts", and "Waterworld."
- One Eyelid Closed - This is a movie that someone makes just to make a dime. Actors generally reserved for these kind of roles are typically Nicolas Cage and John Travolta. Date movies are generally in this category since they usually involve Matthew McConaughey, Ryan Reynolds, Sandra Bullock, and/or Kate Hudson. These movies are one step away from being "Eyes Wide Shut" but have some sort of redeeming quality like scoring points with the girlfriend/wife or some comedic value. You are allowed to watch these movies, but you might want to keep one eyelid closed just to get a little rest. Examples of such movies are: "How to lose a guy..", "The Proposal", or "The Holiday."
- One Eyelid Open - Note: I realize this is somewhat the same as "One Eyelid Closed" but it isn't. It's different ok! This is a movie that usually comes out around the holidays or might be called the "summer blockbuster." These are the typical movies that people go see on a regular basis. This is a very versatile type of rating because it applies to a lot of movies. I went and saw one just recently that was called "The Blind Side" and you wanna know when I saw it? Around the holidays. These are feel good movies that make you wish you were a better person, or are the types of movies that make you wish you were a spy. One might want to sleep in these movies, but it's recommended that you at least keep one eyelid open or open your eyes for a bit just so you can see a good message or funny scene. Examples of these movies are: "The Blind Side", "Radio", "Invictus."
- Two Eyelids Open - This rating is reserved for movies that are incredibly directed, acted, or produced. You don't see many movies like these that have bad actors or directors and it is a pretty select group. In order to preserve the validity of this rating, one cannot throw this rating out very often. It doesn't have to win an Oscar, but it should come close. One shouldn't want to sleep in these movies as you could learn something from them and it gives you something to talk about with your date or friends. Examples of this rating include: "Life as a House", "Million Dollar Baby", "Fight Club", "Slumdog Millionare", "Avatar", "The Dark Knight."
- Eyes Wide Open - Once in a while a movie is made that becomes an instant classic. These generally win a lot of awards or at least should win. These movies don't come around very often as I've been known to tell people that "in order to see a great movie, one sometimes much watch 100 crummy ones." This rating can also be called the "Money Back Guarantee" because you are so confident that it is a great movie that you're willing to give someone their money back if they don't like it. Blinking in these movies are strictly on a need to blink basis. You don't want to miss greatness as work. Examples of these movies are: "American Beauty", "Braveheart", "Shawshank Redemption", "Schindler's List."
6 comments:
Dear Lord, I've been living with this ranking thing for about 12 years. I guess it's never going away.
So Kelly, what ranking would Titanic get?
I have this rating system to look forward to for the rest of my life LM. :)
I guess I do love that he has stuck with it this long. When he first brought it up, I never thought I'd hear anything of it again...
Don't disparage Forrest. It was a great movie and I can relate to him.
I enjoyed reading this article, however i have to disagree on a couple of your examples. i thought vanilla sky was one of the 5 worst movies i've ever seen in my life. as soon as it was over, i and about 95% of the other people in the theater wanted our money and time back. i'm hoping you kept both of your eyelids open just because you thought penelope cruz and cameron diaz were pretty. i also thought avatar was only worth watching for the visual effects. the story was total rubbish and stolen from pocahontas.
Think it all the way through, and Cameron Crowe's "Vanilla Sky" is a scrupulously moral picture. It tells the story of a man who has just about everything, thinks he can have it all, is given a means to have whatever he wants, and loses it because--well, maybe because he has a conscience. Or maybe not. Maybe just because life sucks. Or maybe he only thinks it does. This is the kind of movie you don't want to analyze until you've seen it two times. I didn't care for it the first time I watched it. Had to see it again to grasp his brilliance. Not to mention it is directed by Cameron Crowe who is brilliant.
Avatar was visually stunning and that alone gets it high marks in my book. I'm not concerned about it pulling from Pocahontas, Dances w. Wolves, or even A New World, as much as I am seeing how it tells a story. Most movie ideas are borrowed or stolen from other movies (There is a lack of originality in Hollywood these days). That is one of the things that made Vanilla Sky so good (Originality)
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